I'm so gay!

This evening, my family and I went to the Orland Square Mall in Orland Park. While walking between stores, we approached one of the kiosks typically staffed by people who try to accost you with various products. As expected, a stout woman working at the stand motioned toward us as we passed by. Hoping to avoid being sprayed with whatever mystery substance she was wielding, we quickly and obviously moved aside and tried not to make eye contact. Evidently stung by the rejection, she yelled: "You so gay!"

Would you believe this has never happened to me before? (Those of you who know me are probably wondering about this, so just to be clear, I was dressed like this—not like that.) It actually took me a few seconds to understand that she might have been talking to me. Did she really just say what I think she said? Once it sank in, I said the only thing I could think of: "Excuse me?" Clarifying, she shouted "You're so gay!"

Glancing at my family, they seemed just as shocked and confused as I was. It was just so surreal to actually experience something like this. It was as if the internet had somehow followed me into real life. And we decided to walk away. The worker's accent and unconventional grammar sounded foreign, and her tone and body language didn't project hostility—she actually seemed amused. In any case, she didn't think there was anything wrong with loudly calling someone gay in the middle of a mall, and I honestly had no idea how to deal with this kind of situation. Really, how are you supposed to respond to that? "Thanks for noticing!"?

On the way out, we once again passed the kiosk, noting that it was owned by Royale. The woman who couldn't resist announcing just how gay I am was now doing someone's hair.

A fucking hairdresser called me gay? Seriously?