#297, 12 March 2006

Meet Dr. Reginald Finger.

"Hi, I'm Dr. Reginald Finger."

Yes, that's his real name! Dr. Finger is a member of the CDC's Advisory Committee on Immunization Practices. The CDC has two primary goals:

1. Health promotion and prevention of disease, injury, and disability: All people, especially those at higher risk due to health disparities, will achieve their optimal lifespan with the best possible quality of health in every stage of life.
2. Preparedness: People in all communities will be protected from infectious, occupational, environmental, and terrorist threats.

Dr. Finger doesn't agree with this, though. He's not very happy about the possibility of a vaccine for human papillomavirus (HPV), a common sexually transmitted disease which can cause warts and cervical cancer.

"Some people have raised the issue of whether this vaccine may be sending an overall message to teen-agers that, 'We expect you to be sexually active,' " said Reginald Finger, a doctor trained in public health who served as a medical analyst for Focus on the Family before being appointed to the ACIP in 2003.

That's an interesting point, Dr. Finger. Kind of like how motorcycle helmet laws send the message "We expect you to be a god-awful driver", right?

"So what? It's not like I have a cervix."

That's not the only vaccine Dr. Finger has doubts about, though. He's also hesitant about a vaccine for HIV, which has resulted in the deaths of over 25 million people since its discovery in 1983.

"We would have to look at that closely. With any vaccine for HIV, disinhibition [a medical term for the absence of fear] would certainly be a factor, and it is something we will have to pay attention to with a great deal of care."

Fear is a great way of managing the spread of deadly diseases. If everyone was afraid of being near each other, we wouldn't have to worry about the flu, smallpox, Ebola, anything! Flawless plan, Dr. Finger.

"Thanks."

It's so reassuring to know that there's someone working for the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention who opposes controlling and preventing diseases. Who would have thought you could be against a fucking CANCER VACCINE? Obviously people should be willing to face the possibility of a slow, painful death if they contract a preventable disease. Thanks for your concern for the public welfare, Dr. Finger. I really appreciate it.