#204, 16 July 2004
This week has been HELL. COMPLETE AND ABSOLUTE HELL. I have never experienced so much frustration, anger, boredom, depression, and INSANE RAGE in my life. I swear, the whole funeral concept exists only to cause more pain for more people. TWO-DAY WAKE: Stand by your dead grandmother's corpse for SEVEN HOURS STRAIGHT, say hello to people you don't even know and probably won't see for years, and try to keep from bursting into tears in front of everyone. Then, DO IT AGAIN THE NEXT DAY! And then, on the day of the funeral, listen to really sad organ music while sitting there for 45 minutes looking at your dead grandmother. Then, go to the church, and try to sing even though you're all choked up. Then, the long procession to the cemetery by the smelly Argo factory. Say some prayers, cry some more, and leave. AND THEN GO TO A RESTAURANT WITH ALL THE PEOPLE YOU BARELY KNOW! EAT, DRINK, BE MERRY! I have no idea who the hell came up with the whole wake/funeral concept. Its only reason for existence seems to be just to cause FUCKING CRUELTY. You can tell that NOBODY wants to be there. Everyone is sad. Everyone is bored. Everything about the whole situation is SHITTY. If Grandma was alive, she probably would have told us to go home.
WHAT THE FUCK IS THE DEAL WITH CANCER!? What the hell kind of parasite kills its host? Grandma never drank, never smoked, ate healthy and always went to church. And yet she STILL died, for NO REASON. Cancer isn't even a method of natural selection, there is NO REASON FOR IT TO EXIST!
My uncle Joe's new wife Diane had to turn the second day of the wake into one big bullshit festival. They were taking pictures of everyone in groups, telling them to smile. "SOMEONE YOU ALL LOVED IS DEAD, SMILE FOR THE CAMERA!" What the hell. And then they were showing everyone the photo album from their recent trip to Cancun. So recent, in fact, that they were all playing at the beach while my grandmother was in pain, dying. Included in the photo album were pictures of Diane's 13 year old daughter Brittany. In a bikini. On the beach. "Posing." That was just wrong.
On top of all this, my sister was being a stupid, self-centered, disrespectful little brat, and generally pissing us all off. She wouldn't stop hitting me and I'm not allowed to hit her back. And I had to go to uncle Joe's house, and I'm so allergic to their damn Golden Retriever. That thing shed all over my clothes.
After this week, I am completely sick of going places, I am completely sick of doing things, I am completely sick of people. I'm just so tired. And I'm out of Pepsi. I want to scream. I want to scream, and scream, and keep screaming. I want to hit my bedpost with a metal pipe, even though Mom told me not to do that anymore. When I die, I want my organs to be harvested, then I want to be cremated, then I want my ashes to just be thrown off a hill. No big to-do.
I just can't believe I'm never going to see Grandma again.
Second maybe what I'll say you already found out. Sadly, cancer has a reason to exist.
Based on my knowledge cancer can be caused by viruses to procriate faster. Parasites are just like that, sometimes they do not care if they kill the carrier. Viruses are half-living material anyway.
The other somewhat natural way to get cancer is living near some radioactive thing or like that, what causes your cells to divided without a stop. Malfunction happens what fails to stop.
If none of the above can be blamed, then it has an artificial cause, like chemicals (from food-aditions to herbicids) or even to high dose of radiation (from sunlight through electricity, ending with nukes).
If there'd be a possibility to stop those cells divinding mindlessly and at a certain point they'd go normal, that'd be a perfect way of regeneration. Sometime I hear things how they try to achive this.